So how does he do it ?

So as soon as I get out of the room it's like someone has turned the lights on (or off, depending on how you see it) and it all shifts back into perspective - and I wonder what exactly is going on - there must be something about being in the same room as him that makes you think like that. Yes I know he's really incredibly cute and fanciable but (a) he's spoken for - and given who she is, when she speaks, it stays spoken, believe me! And (b) I am ( well I was before I died, anyway) engaged to someone up there who is, even as we speak, heading down here to rescue me. Or so it would appear. So I'm spoken for too, really. And finally, (c) there's definitely something odd about a bloke who can make you feel like I did when he's there, wanting to run away with him and forget everything and then you find it wears off when he isn't. A very odd feeling, that one. Like being hypnotised. So it's probably a good idea to keep away. Only problem is, I've arranged to meet him later to talk about things. Can't really cancel, might offend him - so I guess we'll just have to see how it goes. I've gone from confident about what I want to scared about what might go wrong - and all in about five minutes. Don't like that feeling, not at all. So what do I do now? I know everyone thinks I'm fickle and superficial - well I do kind of give that impression - but deep down I'm not really like that, it just doesn't suit me to let people think they can control what I do - I've got to be in control enough to feel that I can make my own decisions. Yes I know that my decision making hasn't exactly worked out as I hoped - otherwise I wouldn't be down here, but sometimes things don't quite go according to plan. So, what do I do ? Do I stay faithful to him up there or do I try for something more with Tony? He hasn't been faithful to me, I know that, but I'm feeling all confused about what I should do next. I'm also not sure what Tony wants, either. He might just be interested in my mind. Or he might be a bit of a git and be after another notch on his bedpost. I usually play things by ear, go with the flow, no big plans, but I'm not sure that'll work down here. And it's getting closer to decision time every minute. Now I've only got 25 of them to go - and it will take me at least 15 of those to decide what I want to look like, and that will depend on what I want to get out of it. Maybe I should toss a coin. No shortage of those, everyone who comes down here has got one to pay for the ferry (usually covered in spit, so a bit gross) and all that Charon does with them is chuck them onto the bank. Well, there's nothing down here to spend it on, so there's no point in him hanging on to them, is there ? Plus why would anyone want to hang on to coins that are all slippery with spit, snot, whatever - not exactly fun is it. So I go and pick one up, wash it, and say heads I wait for him up there, tails I make a play for him down here. Hmmm. Tails. So I say best of three. OK heads this time. 1 each. Here we go. Tails again. Best of five ? I think I've decided what I want - but the coin seems to keep saying something else every time. Heads again - 2 each and now it's really decision time - wait for it - Tails. Can't really go for best of 7, even if it's telling me to do something I don't want to do, it just seems that down here I don't have that much choice. So I'd better just get on with it. A bit half-hearted, though. Better go and get ready.